I wish I could write all my problems down on a piece of paper and burn it; and that'd make them all go away for ever.
I wish I were happy, like truly, walking-on-sunshine, from-the-bottom-of-my-heart, blind, stupid happy.
Every time I start to get there, to the happy place...I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop.
There's so much sorrow and pain in the world, around me, among my friends.
Surely, being happy all the time must be a crime. Surely there's some sort of cosmic power lurking, hovering in the shadows, waiting to drop the other shoe on me when I least expect it.
I hate feeling this way.
I wish I wasn't scared.
I'm scared all the time, even when I'm not.
I'm scared of the future; worried about what it holds for me : is there a huge job opportunity I'm going to pass on? Am I rich? Am I high on my successes? Do I end up becoming one of those women I hate, one of the people I swore I would never be? Am I still a Christian? Do I finally get to fall in love and how does it end? Is there some sort of heartbreak? Is there a man who truly loves and adores me? Are there beautiful kids? Do I end up alone, living vicariously through the success stories of my friends?
I'm scared of the present : I don't want anyone to get knocked down by a car/bus/trailer/moving thing while trying to cross the road. I don't want to hear stories of young people dying senselessly. What kind of world is it where the young die and leave the old? I don't want to hear stories of car accidents, plane crashes, whatever. I want all religious problems in Nigeria to stop. I want the corruption level in Nigeria to drop by at least 50%, I really don't think that's too much to ask. I want Nigeria to stop going up in flames; who will put out the fire?
I'm scared of the past; scared all the mistakes I made...or the ones I'm currently making will end up tainting this future I've tried so hard to build.
I'm just scared of everything, all the time.
That's a hard way to live; I'm tired of it and I don't want to do it anymore.