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Thursday, February 7, 2013

Microsoft Word and Me

You know, I've got a huge problem

When i was younger (like two or three years ago, lol), I used to want to write down everything I was feeling, because it made me feel better.

Microsoft Word was my best friend, I could tell it anything and it wouldn't judge me.

 We ate together, slept together (i literally sleep with my laptop every night), did everything together. I've never been close to a human being like that. A little pathetic, I know, but it worked.

It used to keep my secrets and dreams, hopes and aspirations, things I couldn't say out loud for one reason or the other.

But now...

Now I don’t know what’s going on with me.

Microsoft Word and I fell out.

Not out of love, like completely out of love, but I find myself more and more reluctant to put down my feelings.

Now I feel like Backspace and I are best friends.

I write stuff, then I backspace it all off.

I don’t know why.

And the end result is this huge ball of emotions in my chest where my heart should be, and I feel like I can’t breathe because emotions are blocking my bronchi, and I can’t even separate the emotions, so I don’t even know exactly what I’m feeling.


It’s like Bronchiectasis (which is a lung condition characterized by excessive sputum production. Sputum here = emotions)

Wait, now that I think about it, I think I remember one of my professors saying the sputum production is usually more severe right after the person wakes up. Or maybe i read it somewhere. Anyway, that’s kind of how I feel.

I’m sorry if I’m weirding you guys out by saying sputum countless times, med student here.

You know, I used to be able to fix things, ever since I was little.  I just needed to know the problem, and boom, I’d find a solution, I mean, I’m not even joking.

In primary and high school, my classmates would fight and then report themselves to me, and I was supposed to be able to help them solve their differences. I don’t know how that started, don’t ask.

The worst part about all of this is I don’t even know what’s going on with me so I can’t fix my problems.
And I can’t talk to my friends about it because nothing is wrong, and yet everything is. I’m not even making sense. I’m confusing myself. What is happening to me?

I’m scared.