You know, I've got a huge problem
When i was younger (like two or three years ago, lol), I
used to want to write down everything I was feeling, because it made me feel
better.
Microsoft Word was my best friend, I could tell it anything
and it wouldn't judge me.
We ate together, slept together (i literally sleep
with my laptop every night), did everything together. I've never been close to
a human being like that. A little pathetic, I know, but it worked.
It used to keep my secrets and dreams, hopes and
aspirations, things I couldn't say out loud for one reason or the other.
But now...
Now I don’t know what’s going on with me.
Microsoft Word and I fell out.
Not out of love, like completely out of love, but I find myself
more and more reluctant to put down my feelings.
Now I feel like Backspace and I are best friends.
I write stuff, then I backspace it all off.
I don’t know why.
And the end result is this huge ball of emotions in my chest
where my heart should be, and I feel like I can’t breathe because emotions are
blocking my bronchi, and I can’t even separate the emotions, so I don’t even
know exactly what I’m feeling.
It’s like...like...
It’s like Bronchiectasis (which is a lung condition
characterized by excessive sputum production. Sputum here = emotions)
Wait, now that I think about it, I think I remember one of
my professors saying the sputum production is usually more severe right after
the person wakes up. Or maybe i read it somewhere. Anyway, that’s kind of how I
feel.
I’m sorry if I’m weirding you guys out by saying sputum
countless times, med student here.
You know, I used to be able to fix things, ever since I was
little. I just needed to know the
problem, and boom, I’d find a solution, I mean, I’m not even joking.
In primary and high school, my classmates would fight and
then report themselves to me, and I was supposed to be able to help them solve
their differences. I don’t know how that started, don’t ask.
The worst part about all of this is I don’t even know what’s
going on with me so I can’t fix my problems.
And I can’t talk to my friends about it because nothing is
wrong, and yet everything is. I’m not even making sense. I’m confusing myself.
What is happening to me?
I’m scared.
