No title.

Today, I was checking the number of...'love messages' i have gotten in the past couple of weeks...you know, text messages, twitter DMs, facebook messages (no one emails me stuff like that, don't ask me why, I don't know)...there were a lot of them! Sometimes I wonder why they like me. I mean, i'm not a likeable person in that kind of way. I mean yeah in a friend-friend way, i guess I'm okay, i'm not all bad. But in a hey-I-like-you-I-want-you-to-be-my-girlfriend kind of way? I honestly think I'm too fucked up for that. So I guess I've just been thinking that if they knew how fucked up I really am, would they still like me?

Rapture.

Trigger: This is a religious post. Don't say I didn't warn you.

So the other day, I was lying in my bed, reading an e-book on my laptop, waiting to drift off to sleep. I like to read myself to sleep cos i have nothing else to do these days. In two weeks though, school's starting, so that's going to change. Anyway I digress. 

So there I was, reading, right, and I drifted off. 

You know that moment between sleep and wakefulness, when any small noise wakes you quickly? Yes, i was in that phase, when I heard some music. 

Now, my building is usually very quiet at night. No loud music, nothing. So it was pretty unusual. 

I awoke with a start. 

I'm about to say something very stupid. 

I thought it was (i'm almost covering my eyes n shame here)...

wait for it...

wait for it...

rapture. 

If you're laughing, please stop.

I actually thought I was hearing the trumpet. not a trumpet, but THE TRUMPET. THE. 

I don't think I have ever been that scared in my whole entire life. Like, my whole entire life actually passed right before my eyes. All the Bible passages I had ever read, all the Left Behind books I ever read, all the end-time movies i ever saw...everything. 

Like I said, I have never been that scared in my life. 

I think what scared me the most was that I actually didn't feel myself moving. I didn't feel I would, you know, rise up to be with the Lord like it says in a particular chapter of Jude. 

When i located the source of the music, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I ended up praying the most heart-felt prayer I have prayed in years. I don't know how long  stayed like that. 

It's not that I'm a bad person. Because I'm not. 

But sometimes, i drift away from Jesus, and my greatest fear is that, it's on one of those occasions that he would come back for the church. 

But i have come to understand something. It's not by being a pastor, or preaching to a hundred people, or by being a fanatic. It is by grace that we are saved. Only by His grace. And there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. 

Reading the Bible does bring one peace of mind. 

Frankly, I don't care if I only get to stand on the doormat of heaven. I just want to get in, and spend the rest of eternity worshipping God. That's really all.